Rules of Blokeness
(Note, these Rules are provided in the context of the Code of Practice for persons
who are not blokes so that they may better understand blokes. It is, of course, a
given that blokes already understand these Rules and have no cause to refer to them
– except, perhaps, so they may quote them verbatim when any need arises).
1. Under no circumstances may two blokes share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a bloke to cry under the following circumstances:
a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c) After wrecking your boss's car.
d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e) When she is using her teeth
3. Any bloke who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his mates.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a mate out of
jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bloke.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is questionable behaviour.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on
a tropical beach - and... it's delivered by a topless supermodel - and... it's
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick
another bloke in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Mates don't let mates wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If another bloke?s fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until
they demonstrate knowledge of the game (ie, can explain offside or LBW)
and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A bloke in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not
both - that's just mean.
19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his
choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if
she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another bloke while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a bloke in the Gents unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both
urinating; both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange
or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with
"If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox/PS2. End of story.
28. There is no reason for blokes to watch Ice Skating or Men?s Gymnastics.
More blokey humour here